Another wedding speech I wasn't asked to write but did anyway 2021

(first published on Facebook)

My new sister-in-law asked me last night at her wedding reception, “Was Cholo really masungit?”

I honestly don’t remember what i answered but it may have been close to, “Was?”

Let me explain, (and my brothers should tell their own sides, but this is my theory) grief froze us and yes for a very long time. And we only really thawed out in the last 7 years. It’s no surprise all my brothers got married in the past 3 years.

And here’s where things get cheesy.

So yes, Aidz he was masungit. Until he met you. And suddenly, he’s relearning how to draw or taking more photos, may nalalaman pang touring Binondo for a photo walk. Meron pang pa-slow dance sa wedding ni Mikey. Kadiri. Ano yan? Bagets? Gen Z? And the way he looks at you? He always looks a little drunk. It’s nuts.

then there was Cholo again, the one we remember from when he peaked in high school. (he did, Aidz. Heartthrob siya nun. It was the 90s hair.) May pagkabaduy pero alam mo yun, sweet.

Anyway, if Cholo seems difficult or quiet or doesn’t express joy as easily as you may have learned to, please understand. And here’s a textbook projection, I think my siblings and I are afraid of happiness. Something i thought only happened in hollywood films and sitcoms.

Maybe it’s the grief, maybe it’s just our chemical make-up but when happiness comes, we have to try our best not to downplay it. So that’s not irritation you might see in his face, that’s fear. We’re afraid of the other shoe dropping. Because it has. Sama mo na yung the rug being pulled from under you.

You see, being happy is allowing yourself to be vulnerable. And we’ve pretty much been told by the world, by stupid objects of affection, by circumstances beyond our control that being vulnerable is painful. And it can be so painful that you never want to feel anything again.

But being vulnerable means trusting that we will not be hurt when we show our delicate underbellies. Even as I’m sure you know as well, sometimes we trust the wrong people or really the world just makes you feel like the sky has fallen. But we just end up trying again. Or at least eventually trusting that we will recover from the hurt, and if the sky falls — magkakabagong James Bond movie naman ulit.

What our years of grief have taught us though is that sadness ends, the grief may be a constant river that flows underneath but it won't well up as much. Sometimes it just becomes the knowledge that the river flows and will continue to, as life does. To be completely happy, you have to accept that even the happiness ends. But you can trust that it will happen again. In the same way that sadness ends, it always does. And the river continues to flow.

So i trust that you’ve made him feel safe enough to feel happiness, because grabe he is so baduy now. I think you’ve also taught each other that you can actually argue so fiercely, so much that cholo is left moping for days, but choose, once heads are cooler, to start talking again and being with each other again.

I’ve known about the playlist that you two share, and it makes me think of this study (eto na, nerdy na tayo) that what actually determines the longevity of a relationship is how constant each partner responds to a bid from their partner. Basically, when someone says, “hey, look at this awesome painting,” the other responds by taking a look and even if they may think the painting is shit, they will recognize that the painting is something that matters to the other person and respond to that enthusiasm. The more frequently that happened between a couple, the longer their relationship turned out to be. Because these are bids for connection. And with that playlist, you built your first connections

And I think because he was experiencing this with you, he started doing the same to us siblings. We started receiving these links to youtube videos of singers he likes, and him patiently awaiting what we thought of them. Even asking if we saw it.

You told me once that you are sometimes overwhelmed by how Cholo loves you unconditionally. Let me tell you that he does because you have helped him remember how to do so. Thank you so much, we will always be grateful.

Frozen hearts thaw, rivers flow and we all somehow end up in one massive, mesmerizing ocean.

Mabuhay ang bagong kasal!